


Call Me Male-Ish

by iamisaac



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Moby Dick
Genre: Gen, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 14:30:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5251757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamisaac/pseuds/iamisaac





	Call Me Male-Ish

"Call me Ishmael," I announced as Queequeg and I set foot on the boat.

Behind me, I could just see Queequeg holding up five fingers, and I turned.

"What did he say?" I asked, presuming he had said something I had missed.

"He says for a fiver you can call him anything," said one of the men, and ribald laughter followed.

I frowned. Really, if they were going to behave like this, I'd have to go back to my original name. I'd left my family behind me, a noble, solitary figure, and had taken a name to demonstrate it. But if _this_ was the sort of response I got...!

"Actually," I said stiffly, "my name is Percy Weasley, though I would prefer to drop the 'Weasley' part of it for the moment."

"I bet you would," the same man responded. He looked over to Queequeg and grinned lecherously. "I bet that's not the only thing he likes to drop, eh?"

"What about your trousers?" called another man.

I had not thought that anyone could be that juvenile. Surely even _Muggles_ did not usually descend to these depths?

"Really...!" I began - but there was an interruption as a man (clearly mad, or possibly on drugs) hopped up from the bowels of the boat.

"Is he here?" he yelled.

"Yeah, just got here," the second man drawled.

"Where, where?" the man demanded, staring wildly around. "Kill him! Harpoon him! This time we'll have him!"

My jaw dropped. I had not precisely expected a hero's welcome but this was beyond a joke.

"I..." I started.

The first man looked over at me.

"Nah, mate, he's talking about a whale." He raised his voice. "Captain? Cap'n Ahab, sir! We meant the new recruit, sir, not old Moby."

"Dick!" roared the madman.

Good grief, were the whole crew obsessed by homosexual sex? And was this crazy drugged up fool really supposed to be in charge of this boat? I'd signed up to get away from things, not because I wanted to die (or, indeed, get buggered to death by a crew of randy sailors).

"The whale's name is Moby DICK," Ahab expanded. "Remember that."

Oh. Well, at least that explained that much. I wondered what size a whale's... NO! I was getting as bad as them and I'd only been on board a matter of minutes. This really was not what I had anticipated.

"I'm terribly sorry," I said politely, "but this has been an awful mistake."

It was unfortunate I hadn't checked that the boat was still docked when I attempted to leave. But being a wizard is at least useful for saving yourself from a watery grave. Never again, I vowed. I would never travel by boat again.


End file.
